Punny Jokes

1. How did the barber win first place in the race? He knew a shortcut.
2. My doctor told me I broke my arm in two places, but I had been at the same place all day.
3. When I was told to stop acting like a flamingo, I had to put my foot down.
4. Never trust an atom. They make up everything
5. Did I tell you the rumor about butter? Never mind, I shouldn’t spread it.
6. Why did the donut go to the dentist? It lost its filling.
7. I love dad jokes, but I don’t have kids. I’m a Faux Pa.
8. If you have nine apples in one hand and eight oranges in another, what do you have? Big hands.
9. Why was the coach mad at the vending machine? He wanted his quarterback!
10. My friend and I laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.

11. I let an elderly person have my seat on the bus. I no longer have my job as a bus driver.
12. Why are balloons so expensive? Inflation.
13. I was going to tell a time-travelling joke, but you said you didn’t like it.
14. What fruit did Beethoven like? Ba-na-na-na.
15. I threw my clock out the window. I wanted to see time fly.
16. Don’t fall in love with a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.
17. I was wondering why the softball kept getting bigger and bigger, and then it hit me.
18. A guy walked into a bar and lost the limbo contest.
19. I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
20. Ducks love attacking my dog. He’s pure bread.

21. Where can you buy chicken broth? The stock market.
22. My teacher asked me to explain the difference between ignorance and apathy. I said, “I don’t know, and I don’t care!”
23. What did the plate say to the spoon? Dinner’s on me.
24. I used to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.
25. I’m so skilled at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed.
26. Why don’t ants catch colds? They have anti-bodies.
27. What award to dentists receive? A little plaque.
28. When does a joke become a “dad joke?” When it becomes apparent.
29. The store I bought my yardstick from doesn’t sell them any longer.
30. How did the car get a flat tire? There was a fork in the road.

31. 70% of the earth is water, and practically none of it is carbonated. This proves the earth is flat.
32. What is a magician who lost his magic called? Ian.
33. Why was the math book stressed? It had too many problems.
34. What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!
35. Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools.
36. I broke my thumb yesterday. On the other hand, I’m OK.
37. What state has the smallest drinks? Minnesota.
38. My pencil has two erasers. It’s pointless.
39. I asked a scientist if he knew any jokes about sodium. He said, “Na.”
40. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity, and I can’t put it down!

41. What vegetable is cool, but not super cool? A rad-ish.
42. Why did the king go to the dentist? He needed a crown.
43. What’s the best part about Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
44. Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list. Now I can’t read it.
45. What is a bear with no teeth called? A gummy bear.
46. Every morning, I say I’m going to go for a run, then I don’t. It’s a running joke.
47. What happens when doctors get mad? They lose their patients.
48. I got fired from the keyboard factory today. I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
49. What is a lazy kangaroo called? A pouch potato.
50. I didn’t originally want a beard, but it grew on me.

51. Everyone knows geology rocks, but geography is where it’s at!
52. I couldn’t figure out where the sun went, but then it dawned on me.
53. Why aren’t bananas ever lonely? Cause they hang out in bunches.
54. I was raised as an only child. It really annoyed my brother.
55. When does a doughnut go to the dentist? When it needs a filling.
56. I got fired as an archaeologist. My career was in ruins.
57. Apparently, I’m very motivational. Everyone works twice as hard when I’m around.
58. I like telling dad jokes. Sometimes, I even make him laugh.
59. How did the hipster burn his mouth? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
60. I always listen to music while fishing. I love catchy tunes.

61. Why do banks have branches if money doesn’t grow on trees?
62. I knew a nurse who always kept a red crayon in her pocket. She used it to draw blood.
63. NASA sent a duck to space. The bill was astronomical.
64. Where do lizards go when they lose a tail? A re-tail store!
65. My pen can write underwater. It can write lots of other words, too.
66. What’s a baby computer’s first word? Data.
67. I love dry erase boards. They’re remarkable!
68. The first french fries weren’t actually cooked in France. They were cooked in Greece.
69. I once saw a beehive without an exit. It was unbelievable!
70. My pig lost his voice. He was disgruntled.

71. Don’t bother going to the restaurant on the moon. It has great food, but no atmosphere.
72. What do you call a factory that makes average products? A satisfactory.
73. I have a Delorean for sale. Excellent shape, low mileage, only driven from time to time.
74. Always knock before opening the refrigerator. There could be a salad dressing.
75. I’m suspicious of stairs. They’re always up to something.
76. What do you call a herd of cows with a great sense of humor? A laughing stock.
77. I was a bookkeeper for 20 years. The librarians were always getting mad at me.
78. Why was Mozart always mad at his chickens? They kept saying, “Bach! Bach! Bach!”
79. Last night, I dreamed I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted!
80. How do you weigh a fish? With its scales.

81. I have a chemistry joke. It’s sure to get a reaction.
82. Why do people tell actors to “break a leg”? Because every play needs a cast.
83. What’s the fastest liquid on Earth? Milk, because it’s pasteurized before you can even see it.
84. I needed to attach two pieces of wood together. I totally nailed it!
85. What does a sick lemon need? Lemon-aid.
86. I finally got around to watching a documentary about clocks. It was about time.
87. Why do porcupines always win when playing games? They have the most points.
88. I went do the doctor because I kept hearing buzzing. He said there was a bug going around.
89. My friend likes to test my dad joke knowledge. He’s always giving me pop quizzes.
90. I trust my fingers. I can always count on them.

91. We’re renovating our house. The first floor is going great, but the second floor is a whole nother story.
92. I wanted to win first place at a sun tanning competition, but all I got was bronze.
93. Volunteers are confusing. They make no cents!
94. I accidentally handed my friend a glue stick instead of lipstick. She still isn’t talking to me.
95. Parallel lines have a lot in common. Too bad they’ll never meet.
96. I used to be afraid of a speed bump in my neighborhood. I slowly got over it.
97. My friend said he didn’t know what cloning was. I said, “That makes two of us.”
98. I donated all of my dead batteries, free of charge.
99. Did you hear about the train driver who got struck by lightning? He was a good conductor.
100. I was very thorough in childproofing my house, but the kids still got in.
101. What causes dry skin? Towels.

Check out Torrible Puns: A Collection of Punny Poems

(Jokes are more fun with a rhyme and a pun!)